Following is and unedited excerpt to my up coming book, "Keep it in the Family". It will be available in ebook and soft cover formats this holiday season. Get if for someones eReader or stuff a stocking or two with it.
Finally, I also chatted with Lucy (from Off the Chain Volume 2) to finalize plans for me to bring my cat Tiger to her. All the girls were out of the house with the baby living with her mom full-time, my middlin’ at Miami of Ohio and the oldest at University of Cincinnati so I got stuck with the cats.
Blue furred Simba was run over by a car, ruddy Kofu ran away, but red-stripped Tiger was much more careful and street savvy than his littermates so he was a permanent fixture in my home. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want anything to happen to the cat because I loved him more than my kids. However, Tiger was an Abyssinian and cat lovers know that an Abby will wear you the fuck out wanting attention.
So since the girls were gone the only person the cat could suck attention from was me and I just didn’t have the time. However, a bigger problem that I had with Tiger was that he was a pimp so he would compete with me for my women’s attention and most of the time he won. That shit would piss me off. So the cat had to go and Lucy (who Tiger had pimped out a couple of years prior) was all too happy to have him.
Now I know ya’ll think I’m joking about me competing with my cat for female’s attention but I’m not. Let me digress for a moment and share a bit of detail about Tiger.
Dude ain’t no joke. He’s got auburn colored fur with tiger stripes, gold eyes and a personality that will win over any female. Awww…the nigga is smooth I have to give him that. Even women that claim that they are scared or hate cats are whipped after being around Tiger for about an hour.
Hell, Tiger even got Cocoa who is deathly allergic to cats. She’d be sure to take Benadryl whenever she planned to come over because the…first…thing she would do when she walked in the door was play with the damn cat.
Well as I said, Tiger got Lucy’s nose open as well and prior to my cat she claimed that she hated felines. Lucy came to visit one weekend and Tiger peeped Lucy’s vibe so he went into his ‘shy’ act, not making eye contact as he slowly got closer to her.
This disarmed Lucy because he was playing like he was scared of her. You know women love that bashful shit.
Anyway, Tiger eventually got into Lucy’s space, rubbed his head on her so she could feel how soft his fur was and she was…gone…every since.
Well a couple of months later Lucy came back to visit again and I wasn’t havin’ any of Tiger’s shenanigans so I put him in my daughters room and closed the door. When Lucy got to the house she of course asked about the cat first thing and I told her that dude was taking a ‘cat nap’. Wink. ☺
I was doing a little marketing before Lucy got there and I told her to get comfy and watch a bit of television while I finished up and then we would get our little party started.
So Lucy obliged me and striped down to a wife beater and panties and was my eye candy lying on the couch while I completed my work.
Well it was all good as we made eye contact every few minutes, smilin’ and grinnin’ as we both looked forward to the fuckin’ that we were gonna do. It was all-good until from upstairs there was a sound like someone was fumbling with the doorknob on a door.
I should have locked the damn door because Tiger’s ass opened it and then came down the steps. So Tiger gets to the last step, turns the corner and stops when he sees Lucy laying on the couch and she get’s this huge cheesy grin on her face and says, “…there’s my maaaaaaan”, all sexy an shit.
I thought, “…what the fuck! There’s my…man?”
Lucy had never referred to me that way. I was pissed! But I sucked that shit up homey’s ‘cause it wouldn’t have been cool to hate on a playa in front of a female.
So Lucy has forgot all about a brotha and Tiger looks at me and says, “Meowwwwwwwwww (Damn she got a phat ass!)”.
Yes I speak fluent cat and I’ll translate my conversation with Tiger. Anyway, so Tiger is checkin’ out my girl’s ass and I reply, “Qerrrrrrrlurppppppp (Yo homey you need to go back upstairs ‘cause I’m about to get some of that! You fuckin’ with my program!)”.
Lucy is all amazed with Tiger’s interaction with me and luckily she wasn’t fluent in cat so she didn’t know what was said.
Well Tiger ignores me tellin’ him to step off, walks over to the couch and jumps up on Lucy’s ass. So he is literally standing (four paws) on her ass when he looks at me and says, “Meoooooowwwwww (Yo my nigga be glad that I don’t have a human dick ‘cause if I did I’d be waxin’ your girls phat ass…right…now!)”.
I lost my cool a bit although I didn’t show it on my face and I replied, “Maaaaaaooowwwwwww (Tiger why you always got to pull my females? I don’t appreciate that shit! I get you the cat food you like, clean your nasty ass litter box every damn day, brush your fuckin’ fur, and even buy your weed (catnip) so that you can get faded ‘cause you get all bored bein’ alone when I’m at work an shit. So why you got to disrespect me man? Feelin’ up my girl’s ass an shit! All up in my face man! Yo Tiger you better be glad that I don’t get up out of this chair and kick your ass man! I don’t appreciate that shit!)”!
To which Tiger replies, “Meooowwwww (Don’t hate the playa son. Hate the game! Hate the motha fuckin’…game!)”!
See… It’s shit like that! Shit like that right there! The cat’s got to go!
Digression complete. So now you know why it was imperative for me to find a playa somewhere else to live and I would be Pittsburg bound with Tiger to move him to his new home.